he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
