I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
