someone owes me an orgasm
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
