I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
It's blow job season.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
