she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
