just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
