There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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