he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
