I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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