I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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