Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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