when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
