We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
