every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Acid is not a monday night drug
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
