I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
