How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
