I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize