Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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