I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
