I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm like, not good at living.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
