my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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