This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
