in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I love you. Go after that dick
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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