My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
and she was petting her beer can
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize