When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
