I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize