i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
