We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
