Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
