he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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