it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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