I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
