will power is for people who don't want to get laid
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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