You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
