My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
