bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Pants are for mortals
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
