Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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