i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
