Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
