I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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