Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
