I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
