Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
