I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
