There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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