girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
