I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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