dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
