Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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