Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
