The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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