I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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