Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
