When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
We got so high we made milksteak
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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