We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I understand Curling. That high.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
