I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
