ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
ugly people sure do ruin things
No subtext here. People are naked.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
