Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
