I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
