Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
