my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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