my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
