tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
