If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
