Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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