Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
